Author Topic: Team From Hell (Read 11563 times)

Systembug · « **Reply #25 on:** May 13, 2003, 03:55:51 pm »

Might be cause you already voted earlier today?
Dunno if that counts if you have different Polls tho ..

Qin · « **Reply #26 on:** May 20, 2003, 02:35:24 pm »

A large room with a security camera within it.

Team Soldier: Look Ma I’m on TV
Me: Quick get out of its sight or we are all in deep shit!

As always they decided to ignore me and all run to the camera and are jumping up and down in front of it. The adv gives the demon a quick smooch on the cheek in front of it and all hell breaks loose. And we hear a voice.

“Security has been breached but Morons sentry alarms on route to pacify the situation”

Me: Every get ready
Team Adv: Hostiles incoming
Team Fixer: Fuck
Team Soldier: Bring it on!
Team Doc: I fear my beauty is wasted on mechanical devices
Team Enf: ATROX SMASH!!!!!
Me: So doc you gonna do some healing?
Team Doc: You just want me to put my hands on you don’t you
Me: if that means do I want you to keep me alive then yes I do. By the way Enf are you rated to a Gimpy Engineer?
Team Enf: Duh……

Then like lightning the sentries pour into the room ad are upon us like flies on crap.

Me: Everyone attack the same sentry trust me. Enf do NOT mongo or you will die
Team Enf:Mongo?
Me: I said NO mongo

But its too late the Enf has done his mongo slam and to my great surprise the doc is actually doing the healing. But to my shock and complete horror instead of assisting the Adv and the Demon have snuck off together, leaving the rest of us to do the work.

Team Fixer: DIE PIG FUCKING PANTY SNIFFERS

At this the Sentries take their attention from the enf and look at each other then the fixer then they seem to nod in agreement and start firing, But the doc and myself are healing as best we can and somehow he remains alive shout out masses of verbal abuse that in most cases I care not to repeat in front of decent people and other due to censors.

Team Enf: ATROX SMASH JOO GOOD
Team Soldier: Yeeehaw we got them lousy varmints on the run
Team Doc: I shall not let this big Atrox spill any more blood over my cloths I shall heal him as best as I ca…..

The doc is then lost to us as she notices a full length mirror and she starts admiring her body once more and forgetting all about the situation we have landed in.

Now as the only healer the 4 of us the Enf, Soldier and Fixer and myself begin to get the upper hand on the sentries and after 12 minutes of furious fighting and more foul language then you would hear on an episode of Jerry Springer (an old earth TV broadcast) we manage to win out. At this point the Adv and the demon sneak back into the room.

Me: Where the hell have you been?
Team Demon: I will eat you brain
Me: Not bloody likely
Team Adv: Well we thought we were doomed and thought we should make the last few moments of our existence count
Me: Dude don’t tell me you were..
Team Fixer: GAY DEMON LUVIN HIPPO SUCKING FUCK
Team Soldier: yeah what he said I think sums it up
Me: And you found that it was a demon after all?
Team Soldier: Well erm no we….
Me: STOP right there I do NOT want to know
Team Doc: Qintakh I know you fancy me I man any MAN would I mean lookm at my body
Me: Doc get away from the mirror, here take 1 mill creds and buy your self a clue.

To Be as always continued…..

Phantomwack · « **Reply #27 on:** May 20, 2003, 09:08:39 pm »

Great story!

keep em coming

Tenzis · « **Reply #28 on:** May 20, 2003, 09:17:53 pm »

damn i was not the first one to read it

*Sob* ohh well

great qin keep it commin

Qin · « **Reply #29 on:** May 21, 2003, 09:05:40 am »

Ok Tenz i will send you a PM with it first then shall i?

Thnx for all the positive feedback people i truly appriciate it

Tenzis · « **Reply #30 on:** May 21, 2003, 04:11:22 pm »

Yes pls qin

i love this story it is sooo great

Mortalblow · « **Reply #31 on:** June 15, 2003, 03:18:48 am »

Damn, I clicked on the "Page 3" icon hoping for more! And I see only one post... *sigh*
Well, you da man Qin, give us more!

Gravity_ · « **Reply #32 on:** June 15, 2003, 03:29:25 am »

Yeah, this is insanely funny

Keep up the good work..at your own pace of course!!

Seferia · « **Reply #33 on:** June 16, 2003, 01:11:40 pm »

Lol Qin, some funny shit.
Lets hear the end bro

Codeena · « **Reply #34 on:** June 16, 2003, 03:12:17 pm »

I had to choose MP.. engi hating.. wheres the engi.. abuse!!!

Qin · « **Reply #35 on:** June 16, 2003, 07:25:07 pm »

no need to worry an Engi shall appear in the sequal along with a trader and an NT and who ever the other two well depend on a public vote.

and once again thnx for the kind words that have beenwritten about this story. Unfortunatly i have not been able to write recently due to too much work

Systembug · « **Reply #36 on:** June 16, 2003, 10:21:35 pm »

now now .. go easy on us gimps uuum .. Nt´s

GREAT story !! wtb more

Huntres · « **Reply #37 on:** June 16, 2003, 10:41:43 pm »

Omg, Qin can you get any funnier?.....I'm about pissing my pants here. Your to great....

Mortalblow · « **Reply #38 on:** June 17, 2003, 08:54:05 pm »

Grrr.. do you come here often Huntres?
*Mortal, behave yourself! :tut: *
Sorry ma'm...

Phoenix · « **Reply #39 on:** June 17, 2003, 08:56:19 pm »

you should give the people in your team names

but good story :p

Mortalblow · « **Reply #40 on:** June 24, 2003, 02:19:45 pm »

It's been a week, I need more ! :multi:

Qin · « **Reply #41 on:** June 24, 2003, 03:09:19 pm »

i know i'm bad i should have some time today to write a lil more

Qin · « **Reply #42 on:** June 24, 2003, 04:28:28 pm »

Ok as we delved into the mission further it appeared that the more I refused the charms of the doc the more she insisted that I wanted her, she was obviously thinking I was playing hard to get but that was not the case I just couldn’t stand the bitch.

Team Adv: Hostiles in the northern sector 10 clicks away
Team Soldier: Out of curiosity part’ner how far is a click?
Team Adv: Erm I dunno it was never explained at the academy
Me: You never graduated did you
Team Adv: Sadly no I didn’t they said I got distracted too easily to….

At this point he loses his train of thought and starts humming, so we drop the conversation thankfully

Team Enf: Atrox smash doh
Team Doc: Give it up Qin there is no harm in admitting it.
Me: Admitting what?
Team Doc: You want me
Me: oh yeah I want you real bad yeah I want you. Happy now?
Team Doc: I knew it now get away from me you disgust me
Me: I guess sarcasm doesn’t work to well with you does it

At this point our friend with the colourful language has called the attention of the newest enemy that’s apparently “10 clicks” away what ever he hell that means.

Team Fixer: Ball lickers you’re the ass munchers
Real Mean Torpedo: Bubba ya best not have been sayin that to me
Team Fixer: I fucking dickhead am talking to you nob cheese but I goddamnit have fucking hell bloody damnit bollocks tourettes asshole
Real Mean Torpedo: Oh ok then never mind lets just say you fall over dead now and we can call it even
Team Fixer: Fuck You
Real Mean Torpedo: No I’m not into fixers I prefer my friends pet demon

At this point the Adv bursts into the room

Team Adv: Stay the hell away from my lady and don’t EVER call her a demon
Real Mean Torpedo: Dude your almost as sick as I am but come on if ya put a nappy on its head and taught it to walk on its hands it would be better lookin

At this the team demon runs away crying well attempts to but seems to have a problem with a wall that’s blocking its path. Then the Adv loses the plot and starts hacking away at the Real Mean Torpedo, seeing a battle underway the Enf in usual style does his war cry and flies into battle (slaughter).

After the initial shock wears off (laughter) I join in and so does the soldier screaming at the top of his lungs Yeeeehaw! While the doc stands infront of me blocking my view and waving her arse in my face trying to show me what I am missing unfortunately if she keeps it what I may be missing soon is the breakfast I had before I joined this team.

Me: Doc out of the way
Team Doc: I know your looking at my bum
Me: Look at it!!! Your shoving it in my face and I need to help fight this big dude

So I gently move past her and attack from another angle but its too late the Adv is down and the real mean is just laughing and one by one our health depletes until something strange happens the Doc starts healing everyone except me obviously annoyed that I find her arrogant and cheap at best.

The Moment he Adv went down the demon went nutz and clawed and bit and pulled the Real Mean Torpedo’s hair until he eventually decided that he might aswell pay a visit to the reclaim himself.

And we were clear for now.

To be continued

Qin · « **Reply #43 on:** June 25, 2003, 04:57:25 pm »

Soon after the battle we got a message from the Adv saying that he would be back soon he just had to nip to the shops and get some healing packs to makeup for the lack of a doctor and the demon began to smile. So we carried on as best we could without him which was a bless for me.

Team Doc: I think we should wait for him to get back I like my flock to be near me
Team Soldier: We are not cattle Doc
Team Enf: cow go moo
Team Soldier: well done enf I see you have a limited amount of intelligence imam gonna buy you a drink
Team Doc: Soldier your still bitter about the whole beam situation
Me: What beam situation?
Team Soldier: well I said while at the reclaim “shove a beam up my ass and call me a lollipop.

So again the enforcer does

Team Enf: Lol e pop
Team Soldier: Ok you can forget that drink you bastard

At this the doc starts giggling and then strokes the enf for being a good boy and making sure I see it in a futile attempt to make me jealous but in the mean time the MP and fixer and myself are rolling about in fits of laughter, me more than anyone else because of the porn star facial expression of the Enf while she stroke him. Not long after the doc runs a few heals on the Soldier just to calm down the swelling anus.

Me: Hold up people remember be careful opening chests as they might be booby-tra…..

BANG

Out pops a roller rat

Team Doc: Oh My God Kill it kill it kill it
Team Fixer: Its just goddamn mother fucker a bitch roller bastard rat
Team Doc: I hate rats kill it kill it

So we leave the rat alone for a few minutes until the docs screams start smashing glass then we all bundle in and try and take down the rat and to our surprise as this is something the doc agrees with she heals us, when I say us I mean the others again she feels the need to ignore my bleeding wounds but I don’t mind at least she gets the message I really want nothing to do with her.

again to be continued

Qin · « **Reply #44 on:** June 27, 2003, 05:06:20 pm »

Team Demon: I will eat your brain
Me: Yo MP what is that demon doing? He’s dry humping a wall
MP: ?
Team Demon: I will eat you brain
Me: Demon shut the hell up
Team Adv: Do not talk to the mother of my future children like that.
Me: Ok when this mission is over we are getting you some therapy
Team Adv: Ok what ever just don’t talk to her like that

At this point I let the subject go and just watch the demon attack the wall, the MP has not control over its actions so I think he might be thinking of having it put down but luckily enough he is mute so he doesn’t have to tell the Adv of his future plans.

So things turn sour once more in the team, tension has mounted up and the team is even more divided the Enf it humming while getting evil looks from a rather pissed of soldier with a ring so large he needs to wear a nappy until we can get him some real medical assistance. The adv hates me because I will not sugar coat his love for a demon, the Doc is pissed at me because she thinks she is all that and a bag of cookies and just so isn’t. The only one I seem to get on well with is the fixer as long as he isn’t talking.

Where is a Storm raid when I need one?

So after much debate and a few hours we make it to level two of the mission, so far we have had our arses handed back to us on a silver platter but yet I have managed to survive so far but with every moment that passes I feel I am beginning to loose my grip on reality.

Me: Is it me or is the air conditioning not working in this building
Team Soldier: Yup it sure is hotter than branding poker in here boy
Team Doc: You could always take of your shirt Qin
Me: and that wouldn’t disgust you?
Team Doc: as long as you don’t sweat all over me

Ok it appears the doc has got over her initial resentment of the fact I keep saying no, or she is planning something far more sinister. Either way it is hot so I remove my dragon flesh body armour and tuck it into my magic backpack.
The moment it’s off I notice a smile appear across the docs face but I ignore it. The Enf tried to follow suit but.

Team Doc: Enf who said you could take your top off?
Me: Its hot doc let the big guy let off some steam if he needs to
Team Doc: but he is all fat and sweaty and ugly, but your not sweaty at all and…
Team Enf: Atrox hot

Seeing a lost puppy look in his eyes the doc changes suit completely and lets him remove his CAS armour as long as he keeps the helmet on so she can shield her eyes from all ugliness.

Me: Doc you were saying
Team Doc: Oh you’d love me to continue wouldn’t you
Me: Not really but I thought you might have something interesting to say
Team Fixer: Fuck no
Team Soldier: No what?
Team fixer: fuck no shit one bollocks move
Team Soldier: Why?
Team Fixer: Goddamn slayer fucking arsehole bitch bot

Ok so its time for another fight so I decide to take it on the chin.

ME: MP call up your heal pet, fixer run that program on me that heals over time, doc keep an eye on my health, Enf hit me with essence of big bad ass, Soldier damage shield please and Demon stop trying to dry hump the damn wall!!!!

So all buffed up I tell the guys to wait till I shout and I go off to face the slayer, this is my one chance to leave the team I hate going to the reclaim but it could be worth it.

Me: Slayer your mother was a service droid at the local whore house a real slot machine.
Slayer: SYSTEMS ENGAGED
Me: Your father was a chocolate vending machine and when it never gave me my sweets I beat it good.
Slayer: CLAN SUBJECT QINTAKH. AFFILIATION STORM. YOU HAVE 30 SECONDS TO MOVE AWAY
Me: Your sister is an anal probe
Slayer: OK DIPSHIT SCREW THE 30 SECONDS YOU DIE NOW!!!

So the slayer lunges for me so I duck to the side and plant a fiery fist into his calf muscle if it too any damage I can’t tell as it tries to slash its claws through my bare chest but I casually duck to the side and karate chop a claw off.

Slayer: DAMN YOU CLANNER
Me: Ok I got you beat give it up
Slayer: ITS JUST A SLIGHT WOUND YOU WILL PAY

In quick succession the other claw is removed

Me: Give up yet?
Slayer: YOU WILL DIE BY MY HAND
Me: dude I totally removed your hands
Slayer: ERM..I WILL KICK YOU TO DEATH WITH MY BIG FOOT
Me: you can give up any time there is no shame in it

So the slayer then tried to kick me to death until with a mighty flaming kick its right leg it sent flying to the far corner of the room

Me: Dude you only have one leg give it up
Slayer: OK SMART ARSE I WILL RUN YOU DOWN AT RAMMING SPEED
Me: Run? You can only just hop
Slayer: OK I WILL HOP ON YOU LIFELESS CORPSE
Me: Are you sure do want me to sit down and wait for you

So I take a seat as the slayer tried to hop its way over to me as it comes close I do a quick backflip and then a spinning back kick and it is left as a talking torso. So I start to walk away

Slayer: COME BACK YOU NINNY I CAN STILL BITE YOU ANKEL I CAN BEAT YOU I AM A SLAYER

So as I arrive back to where I left the team they all look gob smacked as they had done nothing to help and I had turned into a one man army

Team doc: Qin you didn’t even work up a sweat I never gave you enough credit

To be continued

Novalue · « **Reply #45 on:** June 27, 2003, 05:12:19 pm »

Monty Python "The quest for the holy grail". nuff said. :D

Qin · « **Reply #46 on:** June 27, 2003, 05:18:21 pm »

Quote from: Novalue

Monty Python "The quest for the holy grail". nuff said.

Yup

Systembug · « **Reply #47 on:** June 28, 2003, 01:11:15 pm »

eeeW .. this is working up to a romantic story between qin and doc .. *NASTY

and yes .. hunt for the holy grail

Ahio · « **Reply #48 on:** June 28, 2003, 09:29:44 pm »

Quote from: Qin

Team Fixer: I *bleeep* cheese but I *bleeeeeeep!* tourettes *bleeep*

Although I don't talk or write like this I found this part especially funny. Reminds me of the movie What About Bob:

"I'm scared of death."
"You know what I'm scared of?"
"What?"
"Tourettes syndrome."

Qin · « **Reply #49 on:** September 25, 2003, 04:23:15 pm »

Me: Doc dun suck up to me now
Team Doc: But I am not I am just saying that maybe we could possibly share the same space at some point
Me: Ok whatever. Now who’s got my shirt? Fixer give it back
Team Fixer: Sure Fucking thing homo ballsucking tosspot
Me: I hope that was the tourettes

So after the fight we carry on with this damn mission, As we send the soldier into the next room he reports back there are loads of bags of rubbish laying about and nothing else much in the room to the side. But by the look in the Demons eye it seems excited by this prospect and the Adv just seems to think that it means the demon wants nookie, it’s a sad day when I find out my guild isn’t doing a raid so I have to drop these losers.

Demon: Eat your brain?
Team Adv: No dearest you can’t eat my brain

Then I hear the fixer mumbling “Too damn much ass trouble pissing finding it” And we share the joke but, the odd couple continue as if they never heard him

Team Adv: But I got somthin ya can suck

Then the demon smiles. And the rest of us turn a nice shade of green but the soldier snaps

Team Soldier: I can’t take any more of this
Team Adv: What?
Team Demon: eat your brain?
Team Soldier: Dude it’s a FUCKING DEMON!!!!!!!!!!!
Team Adv: I hope that this tourettes is contagious.
Team Soldier: I ain’t got no swearing disorder BOY you got a serious malfunction, when you last died I guess they didn’t clone your brain cell properly
Team Adv: Are you trying to insult me?
Team Soldier: no shit Sherlock
Team Adv: If this carries on I might have to do something about it
Team Soldier: what like queer it up with a demon?
Team Adv: That’s it you and me right now!!

So the gloves are off the screwball soldier with the nappy as a result of having a support beam shoved up his anus a couple of times and the weird Adv that’s besotted with a demon square off.

Personally I got bets on the Enf that big dumb bastard loves a rumble. Soon the fight kicks off and I sit there wishing there was some popcorn and the red faced doc is giving me the evils. In what seems mili seconds the fixer is there dressed in what appears to be a ref’s outfit
Fixer: Pig fuckers I want no BUTT low blows, the first man to get to the reclaim looses
Then the fight kicks off the Soldier surprisingly seeing he is using a gun does kill the Adv straight off it appears he can get the aim right, where as the Adv is waving his swords around in thin air and missing or doing what appears to be paper cut damage to the soldier.

Then right on queue

Enf: ENF SMASH

And in no time the contestants are both crippled and sitting at the reclaim. But thanks to the quick hands of the fixer neither has a key and can get back in the mission. So soon there were fewer of us than we had begun with there was a light at the end of the tunnel and I was packed to go.